Monday, December 28, 2009

Lawyers And Light Bulbs

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? This is a question that's been at the forefront of discussion amongst the most prestigious scholars and lawmakers of the world. Finally, after getting them all together - the question has been answered.

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

light-bulb1. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, graspthe party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part shall be undertaken by the party of the first part to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part, notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil is observed by the party of the first part throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as the 'receptacle', the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part, also known as 'new light bulb'. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only untilthe party of the fourth part becomes snug in the party of the third part and in fact becomes the party of the second part.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by said party of the first part, or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do sum the objective being to produce a level ofillumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Just had a nap

Our daughter just woke up from her nap. She's in pretty good mood today. I might take her out for a walk this afternoon. It's really nice out. I wish to go to the pool but I couldn't find my keys.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

American Idol Jokes

I've got to admit, I'm not a fan of American Idol. Sure, I've watched it. There was even a time (a season long, long ago) that I actually watched most of it. With that being said, it completely sucks now. It's more of the same, just with different faces. At any rate, besides the show itself - here are a few American Idol jokes...

Top 3 Signs Your Probably Going To Lose

Simon Agrees, American Idol Sucks

  1. Vegas bookies say the Blue Jays have better odds of winning the World Series.
  2. North Korea they'll stop producing enriched uranium if you get voted off.
  3. Your own mother says, "You're great, but I'm really a big fan of Sanjiya!"

Top 3 Signs William Hung Is Your Prom Date

  1. His tux, the limo, the hotel room... it's all been rented for just 15 minutes.
  2. The DJ announces "Our next song - by request, for the tenth time tonight... 'She Bangs!'"
  3. He tore your dress, trashed your corsage and stepped on *both* your feet dancing... but his goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway!

Top 3 Things You Can Say Now That You Lost

  1. "George Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself!"
  2. "Up until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was either!"
  3. "If you want an encore, I'll be working the 10-6 shift at Old Navy tomorrow!"

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The Speeder

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

Old Lady Driving A CarTo his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma'am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow it's instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead', of course!"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Watch some anime

I just stay home and watch some anime while Rachel is busy playing with her toys on the floor. I thaw some beef for hubby's dinner tonight. I will cook beef steak Philippine style because he likes it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

SMS Jokes

Ahh, SMS... the little Short Message Service we can't live without. Text messages, you know... kind of like twitter but on your phone. Who else sends more than 10 of these a day? I've got a friend that averages 1 SMS sent/received every 35 seconds according to his last bill. Crazy. Well, at any rate, here are some popular SMS jokes to help you waste everybody's time and annoy your friends.

Top 20 'Funny' SMS Text Messages

Funny SMS Joke

  1. The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
  2. I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
  3. Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?
  4. This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
  5. Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
  6. I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  7. Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
  8. What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
  9. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
  10. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
  11. Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H
  12. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
  13. Never forget that you're unique, just like everyone else.
  14. I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
  15. What do u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
  16. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  17. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  18. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
  19. Born Free... Taxed to Death.
  20. We will now upgrade your brain, please wait... searching... searching... still searching... sorry NO BRAIN found.

Ok, these are more of a cross between old Confucius sayings and one-liner jokes... but then again I suppose that's what it's all about. Feel free to add your own favorites in the comments.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I don't know what .....

I don't know what I will have for lunch today. I guess I will just have turkey sandwich and potato chips, its quick and easy. Maybe I can bake some chicken salad for hubby in his dinner tonight. I can put a lot of grilled chicken on his salad and hoping he will like it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

A Pirate Joke

With all the pirates hijacking ships for ransom and stuff like that going on in the news, I figured we'd throw out a pirate joke for your reading pleasure... Argg!

Pirate Walks Into A Bar

Pirate ShipSo this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!"

PS - why do they even call them pirates? You know, those Somali boat hijackers? They don't have wooden legs, they don't captain huge sailboats or have parrots on their shoulders. They're skinny little black men with AK-47's. Discuss.

Monday, December 7, 2009

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Saturday, December 5, 2009

Getting tired

I went to one of the store that is close to where I live. There having a very good sale. I got new stuff for our daughter and it was really cheap. Our daughter is getting tired, I will try to put her down to nap.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Stay in the park

I went for a walk this afternoon with our daughter and stay in the park for a couple of minutes and watch the kids playing. She was having fun watching them and to my surprised she was waving to them. It was really funny how she waved her hands and the kids responded to her too.