Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tampons, Yea That’d Be Fun

A couple of older bums are relaxing on a park bench, bored out of their minds. They're not the brightest of crayons, but are known to be pretty resourceful - especially when bored.

So one of them says to the other, "What are we gonna do today?"

Tampon JokeThe other replies, "Well, how much money have you got?"

They both rummage through their pockets, emptying several days worth of lint and toothpics, managing to put together about four dollars and some change.

The first one says, "We can't do much with 4 bucks. Maybe we should just go home?"

The other, excited, replies, "Nah! Let's go buy a box of tampons!"

"Tampons? What are we gonna do with tampons?"

"Haven't you seen those TV commercials? With tampons we can run, and hike and swim, even go dancing. We need some tampons!"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Swine Flu Jokes

Ok, these are all that great... but it's been requested (alot). So I figured we'd post what we have. Thanks to all those who submitted these short jokes via email or as submitted drafts. Feel free to rail on them in the comments, or add your own.

H1N1 Virus (Swine Flu) Jokes

Pig Swine Flu

  • Q: Did you hear about the guy who said he would get sick when pigs Fly.
    A: The Swine Flu
  • Q: Did you here about the pig who went on the plane?
    Response you might get: The swine flu (this can be the punch line unless they say it. if so then respond: Are you kidding it can't get on by itself; it needs a carrier).
  • I had a glass of merlot last night. I woke up this morning with a cough and a sniffle. I think it's wine flu.
  • Someone once said that when a Black man becomes the president, pigs will fly. Sure enough 100 days later.. "swine flew (flu)".

This Little Piggy

  • This little piggy went to market.
  • This little piggy stayed at home.
  • This little piggy had roast beef.
  • This little piggy had none.
  • And this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found ut that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.

PS - Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

NASCAR Career Summary For Dale Jr

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says "Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well". The man's dog jumps up, and runs around
the barstool 35 times.

Dale Earnhardt Jr 88A few laps later, the bartender says "Earnhardt is up to 15th!" The dog jumps up again and runs around the barstool 15 times. A couple laps later, the bartender excitedly says "Earnhardt is up to 2nd!" after which the dog again jumps up and runs around the barstool 2 more times...

The bartender says "WOW!! That dog is amazing!! What does he do if Dale Jr. wins?"

"I don't know", says the man, "I've only had him for 3 years!"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Moses and Jesus Playing Golf

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck's windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper's shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and dropsthe ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Another good one

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... Looking for man with these qualifications: - won't beat me up - won't run away from - is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Good sleep

I was to tired and slept good last night. I don't have any plan today except cleaning the house and maybe if it's not cold, I can take our daughter for a walk. I called my hubby early this morning and ask him to grab some milk on his way home.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Just woke up

Just woke up and eating my favorite honey oats cereal with my decaf coffee. After I'm done eating, I will feed our daughter and hopefully she will have a nap after this. She woke up early this morning and hubby was watching her.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Great recipe

I got this recipe from my in-laws. It would be nice to share it here coz it's really good and tasty. Hope you like this one, it's called Clam Chowder. Here's what you need: 1/2 cup minced onion, 1/2 cup diced celery, 4 teaspoon of butter, 1 sliced bacon; crumbled, 1 pint 1/2 & 1/2, 1 cream of potato soup undiluted, 1 cream of celery soup undiluted, 2 cans clams; drained. Saute onion and celery in butter and small amount of bacon grease. Stir in soups and clams. Gradually add the 1/2 and 1/2. Stir ti smooth then add bacon. To increase amount of soup just add clam chowder and 1 can of milk. It's pretty easy to make and I hope you like it.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Waiting for hubby

I have the dinner ready and waiting for my hubby. I was planning to watch a movie but I hear screaming in the other room. I can't watch any if she's awake because she wants to watch her favorite tiger and pooh.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Preparing for dinner

I'm planning to cook grill pork chop with cranberry sauce on it. Hopefully my hubby will like it. After I thawed the meat out, I was planning to watch a movie but our daughter woke up from her nap.