Sunday, November 29, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"
Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playingcards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.
A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...
Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.
Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. "Sir," the doc begins "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there's no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"Wow, that's great!" replied the hunter. "So what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well that's not so bad I guess," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
Friday, November 20, 2009
Just in case you've gotten so old you don't know if you've turned 50 years old yet, here are a few hints that you just might be over that hill... jokes if you will. And before you laugh, remember: we'll all get old eventually.
Top 10 Signs You're Over The Hill
- When you sleep, people worry you're dead.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age... and aren't breaking any laws.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
- You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.
Famous Quotes About Getting Old
- I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
- At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
- Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
- When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
- A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman
Poem By Leo Rosenberg
First you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
We've done our favorite Georgisms in the past, but I think posting my all time favorite quotes from George Carlin is long overdue. He's perhaps the smartest, frankest and most honest comedian of all time. He's not afraid to say anything, and in fact said things that made people cringe while at the same time wishing they had the courage to say that too. He changed comedy as we know it, and we're wiser for having known him.
At any rate, here is the official F&J top 10:
- "Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude."
- "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam."
- "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
- "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
- "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
- "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
- "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." (my personal favorite)
- "How come when it's us it's 'an abortion,' but when it's a chicken it's an omelet?"
- "The best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. 'But it was your daughter's funeral.' 'I forgot!' You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's disease. It's a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, 'Who are you people and where is my horse?'
- "Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."
His attitude towards religion, politics and stupidity strike me as genious. Agree or disagree? Post in the comments, along with your favorite Carlinquotes.
Friday, November 6, 2009
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"