Monday, December 27, 2010
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
Saturday, December 25, 2010
The part that I hate the most about the holidays is putting up all of our decorations. I've never been one for decorating because I'm not good at it at all, so that probably explains why. However, i do love baking things for the holidays and a lot of my friends know to expect some kind of baked good for Christmas. I'm so predictable about that now that people will even request certain things for their gifts that I've given them over the years!
So right now I'm working on planning what I'm going to bake for who. For the people that haven't requested specific baked goods, I've been using my Clear TV Bundle to find new recipes to cook for them.
I thought about fixing a new kind of Christmas cookie for those people, after baking it and trying it for myself, of course. I'm excited to see how those people think of these new recipes that I've found to see if I should add them to my regular roster of Christmas recipes.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Friday, December 10, 2010
This website has these types of supplies and others items that are competitively priced and used by most businesses. They have been in the business for years providing great customer service. So if you or someone you know is looking to buy office supplies, check out this website and see their great selection to choose from.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors? "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
Monday, December 6, 2010
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Best Action Movie
The Author of this post is Cheryl Martinez
One of my favorite action movies of all time is Saving Private Ryan. It was actually one of the first war/action movies I've ever seen. I actually have watched this movie so much that my DVD can not even be read! Once in awhile, I'm able to catch my favorite action movie on DirecTV current offers to enjoy once again. The movie is really great and has some very memorable moments and characters throughout the hour and a half that is plays. My favorite character is the sniper known as Jackson. He's actually played by one of my favorite actors, so it was just a given.
The entire movie is based on a group of army soldiers who are sent out on a mission to find one soldier. Apparently, the soldier, who's name is Ryan, has been lost and is meant to go home. All three of his brothers were killed in combat, and as a last resort to save the family name, Ryan must be found and brought back home. The entire movie takes you through several different scenes of war and heart pounding action. At the end of the movie, Ryan is finally found in the midst of a huge battle with the German army. This movie is extremely well known, and I'm absolutely positive that I'm not the only one who loves it.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Heading out to Cleveland for Thanksgiving Dinner
I appreciate the guest post, Alonso Humphrey
What can I say? Visiting our family on Thanksgiving is a hectic, fun-filled day. My family is loud and boisterous, but what better way to spend the holiday joking, laughing and having fun? My family and I head out to my brother's house for our traditional Thanksgiving event, all the way near Cleveland, Ohio. We have to leave early in the morning, since the drive is a good 45 minutes away, and we never forget to set our home security alarm system (ADT ALARM specials) before we leave the house, as we never get back until way after dark.
Usually the whole mess of family is there; uncles, aunts, cousins, my niece and two nephews, and of course the random old and new boyfriends and girlfriends of the moment. But it's fun mixing together with everyone. We laugh and joke around, and we always plan to watch TV while we are there, since there are so many great Thanksgiving day specials, parades and football games on that day. We especially love the kids Thanksgiving specials, such as a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, which the kids flip for.
Our meal is a fun-filled event with lots of laughing, shouting and joking. I love visiting my family on Thanksgiving, as it is a time to catch up with relatives I haven't seen all year, as well as embrace the ones I see regularly.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
They offer very competitive prices for top quality products. They have been in the business for many years providing great customer service. I can’t wait to shop for some boots and north face jackets for our little princess. So, if you’re looking for a real convenient and simple way to buy kids clothes, check out this website and you’ll be happy you did.
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
What If The Heater Don't Work?
Post contributed by Alfredo Gaines
Its that time again, every year, come October, the winds of the north blow cold. The birds migrating south stop by the nearby pond to sasciate their thirst. Here in my house, every one is thinking food, party, presents... I am thinking Heating Costs, Windows Sealing... I walk to the shed and start surveying my winter stash, my generator, gutter cleaning... and so, I start the yearly chore of setting the house up for winter. I lock the house as tight as it can be. All windows and doors, the Fire Place. I go towards the furnace and turn the gas on, wait a few minutes and then go to my "Electronic Thermostat" and turn it to "Heat" and turn the "Power On". It takes a few instants to come on, full blast. As my kids watch wide eyed, I light up a handfull of incence sticks, cinnamon, every one likes cinnamon. I wait till the smoke is full and constant, then I approach the front door and bring the incense close to the seam where the door meets the door frame and wait and see, I run the incense sticks all over the seams, watching the smoke. All is good, no leaks... Every door and every window will get the "Incense Treatment" to insure there are no leaks. If there were any leaks you would see the smoke as it's sucked into the leaking space. All doors and windows must have a good seal, otherwise you will be heating up the neighborhood. Next I check the "Insulation Blanket" around the "Water Heater" in the Garage. I check the "pilot Light", make sure is "ON" and that the cover is on its place. Move the "Heating Control Knob" to "Medium Heat" position. Next to put the cover over the "A/C Unit", (Air Conditioner Unit), make sure the rain and/or snow stay off and out of it. My kids are too young to help, but they follow me around, watching, learning, as I explain to them the importance of making these preparations ahead of time. Where we live there are no issues with winter storms, but you never know. We do have "Storm Windows and Doors" but we will just have them handy, not installed. Make sure we change the oil in the generator and fill it up with gasoline and start it up, make sure it works. Generator is a "GO". All "Mechanical Items" are to be checked for proper servicing and operation prior to the winter months. Even the Insulation Blankets on the "Dog House will be checked. Our pets have to be well tended, they cannot do it themselves. It's a good experience for the children as well, some day they will be doing this to their homes. It saves work, time and money. Make sure the "BBQ Grill" is covered, and secured, cover all the "Patio Furniture", and put an insulation blanket on the "Irrigation Control Valves" so they do not freeze. We have a "50 Lbs, Bag of Salt", for when the "Sidewalk and Driveway" freezes. Avoid "Slip and Fall" accidents. Pile some "Fire Wood" on the Porch and another pile next to the Fire Place. Make sure it stays nice and dry for when it's needed. Back to the Garage we go, This time we have to "Break" into the "Winter Storage Coverts" and bring out the "Heavy Mink Blankets" and "Winter Clothing Items", Jackets, Gloves, Boots and Winter Shoes. All the blankets have to be fluffed up and the children love to punch on them and throw them around for that purpose. Last but not least, we know the heater is working fine, but we still have to either replce or clean the filter. It gets very dusty in there. Clean filters means better circulation of the air as well as cleaner air. Also is good for the furnace because it does not have to work hard to process the warm air that we so much enjoy. Now that all the chores have been taken care of, is time to enjoy a nice afternoon football game. We are going to kick back and relax in front of the Satellite Television we got after looking at the directv satellite comparison and watch as the "New York Football Giants" destroy "Troy" and his "Cowpokes".
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
Thursday, November 18, 2010
guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks
"how did you get that?" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find
bear, me shoot bear, bear stop."
Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy
asks "how did you get that?" Trapper says" me find tracks, me follow tracks,
me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop."
Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly
dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask "What happened to you?"
stupid guy says "me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot
train, train don't stop."
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price."
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Protecting your home
Guest post by Quincy Lester
One of the most important places that one can visit together as a family is the library. There are so many things that one can learn by reading books. Not only does visiting the library encourage the love of learning but it strengthens family togetherness. I simply love learning new things every time we my family and I take a trip to our local library. We visit several libraries in our area many times a week. Reading is such an important and essential part of our lives. My husband and I could not imagine not introducing our child to reading at a young age as it is essential to the foundation of learning. Our local library has many items to offer such as books on tape and compact disc as well as educational DVD's for the whole family. I could practically spend the whole day in the library searching for books and movies on any given topic that might peak my interest at the time. However, there is one thing I never forget to do before I leave my home to spend time at the library - I never go to the library without first protecting my home by setting my Home security Systems before I leave.
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
The Jersey Shore Sends A Good Message
Author: Willard Roberson
I must come clean. I am one of those who add to the ratings for The Jersey Shore. Does this make me an immoral person? According to the media, this show is the most disgusting show to come along in years - perhaps ever. Supposedly, it sends the wrong message to our youth that it's wrong to drink and have premarital sex. What the media doesn't realize, though, is that they are actually reversing the message, which is beneficial for today's youth. What I'm trying to say is that since the media has demonized the show so much, everyone thinks the people on the show behave irresponsibly. This makes the characters on The Jersey Shore look like losers, not winners. Therefore, the kids who watch the show will grow up not wanting to be like them. Who in their right mind would want to be called a loser?
This is a strange situation. It's not often that a television show will have such an unintended effect, but that is exactly what has happened. It's almost like The Jersey Shore is acting like a public service message, but with a much more mature rating. One thing is for sure, regardless of what people think or say about it, or what message is being sent, I will always watch it on Free on Demand on my satellite tv from satelite.com. I just can't get enough of the immorality. But I think that makes me human.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I was on the internet randomly the other day, just browsing around checking out new hearing aids at MiracleEarHearingAids.net when I heard the mailmanÕs car door close outside. He had so much to give me this particular day, he ended up walking it up to my doorstep. Weird, huh? On top of the pile was one piece of mail I love getting every month Ð the latest copy of the alumni magazine from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, aka my alma mater. ItÕs been about 40 years since I went to school there, but it still holds a very dear place in my heart. They call it a little slice of heavenÑand let me tell you, they ainÕt lying.
As I was flipping through the magazine, I saw an ad for tickets for an upcoming UNC football game, which I jumped on immediately. ItÕs about time I got back!
My trip is this weekend and IÕm so excited. Every bit of that campus holds a special place in my heart, and itÕs been far too long since IÕve gone to see it.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My Favorite Children's Halloween Program
Thanks for the article from Maxine Taylor
I love halloween and all of the special programming for children really gets the whole family in the mood to dress up and have a great halloween. My favorite program around this time of year is "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." I watch it on satellite tv from www.directstartv.com/direct-tv-blog/catch-every-sunday-game-with-directv-nfl-sunday-ticket%E2%84%A2-to-go-2-p1183.html.
The program is so nostalgic for me as I watched it growing up. I am glad that I am able to bring this tradition to my kids and hopefully they can pass it down to their children as well.
My favorite part is when Lucy wakes up in the middle of the night to look for her brother Linus. She finds him shivering with his blanket in the pumpkin patch. She takes him back and puts him in bed. But he and Charlie go right back out to look for the Great Pumpkin.
I like how Linus is so sure that the Great Pumpkin will come. At one point he even convinces Sally to stay and wait with him. Children have such great imaginations and they never cease to amaze me with their strong will.
Halloween is going to be a great time for me and the family, I can't wait. We will be all curled up by the fireplace with our blankets, hot chocolate and pumpkin pie watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."
To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.
Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Why I love going to a professional baseball game with my kids
Thanks for the article from Antone Medina
My kids love going to a professional baseball game. They get to to see their favorite players close up and get to cheer for their favorite teams. They can also sing American folk favorites, such as the folk song, Take Me Out to the Ball Game. Depending on how far away you live from the stadium, taking your kids could just be a short trip or hours of mundane car games that are not mildly entertaining.
To be honest, getting a chance to see the game brings out the child in me. I get a sense of wonder from viewing any baseball game. Perhaps it comes from when I played Little League and would spend a long time on the bench or in right-field. Perhaps going to a professional baseball game allows me to imagine a future that I knew was not possible for me.
However, if I just want to see how my favorite team is doing or do not have the money to go to the local stadium, I must find another option. For me, the best option is watching a baseball game on satellite TV from www.bestchoicetv.com. If my favorite team does not get covered, I can buy the service from my provider that allows me to see several games at once. I can watch my team and whatever games are being shown in my area.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."
The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Friday, October 8, 2010
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tips For Relieving Stress on International Business Trips
The article written by Alonso Kramer
The life of a travel writer can seem romantic, with paid press trips to exotic locations, free meals and paid transportation. While these opportunities happen occasionally they are few and far between. Most business trips for travel writers are quick trips to cover specific events requiring personal interviews with locals, sometimes while recovering from jetlag. The interviews, notes and photography all must be submitted in the form of an article either during the trip itself or shortly after return. There is usually no time for leisure and they can create a great deal of stress.
My trips usually involve Asia, specifically Thailand and Hong Kong. There are several things you can do on international business trips to minimize stress. Schedule your interviews ahead of time. Take energy bars with you for meal replacements if time limited. This has been especially helpful to me in Thailand where the spicy cuisine comes with an adjustment period.
You can also do tasks at home to relieve worry while you're gone. Water your plants the day before you leave and unplug unnecessary appliances. Tell a trusted friend you'll be gone and have your mail held. I always set my home security, alarm that I had installed by Arizona Adt Security, before I leave on a business trip and I have timers for several lights in the house. Enjoy your business trip with some piece of mind.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
An awkward (yet lovable) "Office"
Guest post written by my buddy Lavern Small
I never thought I could love a tv show more than I love Seinfeld, but The Office may just be up there. From the quirky, way way way way over the top characters and the little bits they do at the beginning and end of the show, this show just keeps me laughing non stop.
Most fans started watching the show because of Steve Carrell's (who plays Regional Manager Michael Scott) work on the movie, the 40 year old version. To be honest, I only first started watching it because I thought Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesly) was hot - Fischer guest starred for an episode of That 70's Show as Stephanie Wanamaker. But I ended up enjoying the show for it's awkward humor. I've actually grown most fond of the side characters.
Thanks to some of the best cable tv deals, I've DVR'd all my favorite episodes. Most of my favorite parts involve scenes with one of the biggest side characters, Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson). I especially enjoy his relationship with the protagonist, Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) - especially b/c they are somewhat rivals who outwardly protest their dislike one another, but have some of the most memorable scenes of friendship in the show like when Dwight quits (the other one where Dwight's first love interest chooses another co-worker, Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) and Jim consoles him on the stairwell. I laughed when Dwight (who had been looking away in tears) turns to hug Jim and he's already left).
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
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"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"
The Pope says, "Sure"The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "Guys I just pulled over someone really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"No even more important."
"Well who is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Fishing With Dad
Contribution by Jonathan Mcmillan
I have been going fishing with my dad for about 50 years now. We get the boat packed every Sunday afternoon and turn on the Adt home security in new york. Then we are at the lake for the rest of the day. I was 6 years old when I remember my dad buying our first boat. It seemed like we lived on that boat. My mom never really liked fishing, but she would cook them and eat it. The first boat we had was a small one that only a few people could fit into. We usually caught perch and catfish. We still go pretty much every weekend together. It is like our family tradition. Fishing is my favorite hobby. My father is 70 years old and can barely even walk. He still finds a way to get in the boat. He has to be really feeling bad if he misses a day of fishing. I love spending the time with him. I have also started fishing with my son. He is still young and learning. It is fun though. I hope he has great memories like I do. Fishing is great for everyone.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I can’t wait to tell my friend about this website and what they have to offer. So if you or someone you know is looking to buy nursing uniforms or medical scrubs and uniforms, check out this website and see how they can help you.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."
The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."
The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."
And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.
Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.
All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.
And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.
THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.
"Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.....................
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!
Back to the synagogue..................
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY LOTTO TICKET!!!"
Saturday, August 21, 2010
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In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"
so loud that it echoed off the
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he
yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him
on the horse with my arms around his
waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?"
"Well", said the guy, "you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!"
"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, the guy replied. I work for the IRS. Do you see me fu*king the guy in front of me?"
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
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The man answers, "Yes, I do"
"Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"
The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."
The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."
"You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"
"Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."
"Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."
The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays."
"Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?"
"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate fags!"
The devil look at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."