Sunday, January 31, 2010
If you want to be happy,
The Dalai Lama
“If we are not happy and joyous at this season,
for what other season shall we wait and
for what other time shall we look?”
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Man Says: "It Is Almost Time For Me To Depart, But Before I Depart I Must Ask You For A Favor."
The Woman Says: "Sure Anything!"
So The Man Asks Her If He Could Mow Her Lawn, And Of Course The Woman Allows Him To Mow Her Lawn. After The Man Is Done Mowing Her Lawn
The Woman Says: "Thanks For Mowing My Lawn"
And The Man Replies With: "Believe Me Its My Pleasure"
So The Man Goes Home To His Wife Who Is Very Angry With Him For Leaving So Early In The Morning And Coming Back In The Afternoon.
His Wife Then Angrily Says: "Where Have You Been All This Time"
The Man Smiles And Says: "Honey, I Am Not Going To Lie To You, I Have Been Having An Affair With A Lovely Young Woman Just A Few Miles From Here"
The Woman Startled Looks At His Grass Stained Shoes And
She Says: "YOU SOB, YOU Were PLAYING GOLF WERE'NT YOU!!!"
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangeable."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The first man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a good man my entire life. I read the Bible everyday and never take the Lord's name in vain." St. Peter said, "True, but you are so in love with with money that you married a woman named Penny." And with that they were sent to hell.
The second man went up to St. Peter and said, "I've been a great guy all of my life, I go to church every Sunday, and I've read the entire Bible four times." St. Peter said, "True, but you love to drink so much that you married a woman named Sherrie." And with that they were sent to hell.
The third man, overhearing what had been said, looked at his wife and said, "Awww shit, we're never gonna make this, come on Fannie, lets go."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Go back a little to leap further.
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Half of the failures in life come from pulling one's horse when he is leaping.
Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.
Friday, January 15, 2010
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'