Monday, December 27, 2010
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
Sunday, December 26, 2010
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
Saturday, December 25, 2010
The part that I hate the most about the holidays is putting up all of our decorations. I've never been one for decorating because I'm not good at it at all, so that probably explains why. However, i do love baking things for the holidays and a lot of my friends know to expect some kind of baked good for Christmas. I'm so predictable about that now that people will even request certain things for their gifts that I've given them over the years!
So right now I'm working on planning what I'm going to bake for who. For the people that haven't requested specific baked goods, I've been using my Clear TV Bundle to find new recipes to cook for them.
I thought about fixing a new kind of Christmas cookie for those people, after baking it and trying it for myself, of course. I'm excited to see how those people think of these new recipes that I've found to see if I should add them to my regular roster of Christmas recipes.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."
Friday, December 10, 2010
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"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors? "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
Monday, December 6, 2010
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Best Action Movie
The Author of this post is Cheryl Martinez
One of my favorite action movies of all time is Saving Private Ryan. It was actually one of the first war/action movies I've ever seen. I actually have watched this movie so much that my DVD can not even be read! Once in awhile, I'm able to catch my favorite action movie on DirecTV current offers to enjoy once again. The movie is really great and has some very memorable moments and characters throughout the hour and a half that is plays. My favorite character is the sniper known as Jackson. He's actually played by one of my favorite actors, so it was just a given.
The entire movie is based on a group of army soldiers who are sent out on a mission to find one soldier. Apparently, the soldier, who's name is Ryan, has been lost and is meant to go home. All three of his brothers were killed in combat, and as a last resort to save the family name, Ryan must be found and brought back home. The entire movie takes you through several different scenes of war and heart pounding action. At the end of the movie, Ryan is finally found in the midst of a huge battle with the German army. This movie is extremely well known, and I'm absolutely positive that I'm not the only one who loves it.